Tuesday, September 18, 2012
a new me
i need to open up. i just need to write my feelings down.
my life is rapidly changing around me. for a long time i just haven't been happy with "me". i used to deal with depression as a young adult and into our first few years of marriage. i slowly grew out of it and learned to deal with my thoughts and feeling about myself without medication. i know a lot of the reason i was able to over come my depression was because i started to live my life the way i knew i should. my keenness to the spirit returned and as long as i followed my spiritual guide i could keep myself happy for the most part.
my confidence grew and i kind of discovered a new me. i started to really love style and harnessed a new passion for dressing in a way that made me feel pretty. i love feeling different. i think i always have. the problem with my growing up is that i never felt different. i always wanted something to separate me from all the other "utah mormon" girls. this became a problem in my teen years and got me into some trouble. i'm glad i don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone anymore, but i do still like the feeling i get when i wear something that is different. i even half like the teasing that i get from my siblings and in-laws. i feel like i've really improved the outward projection of "me" and am happy in that department.
the problem is that while that can be of importance to my physical and emotional confidence, i have now come to the realization that i need to improve the spiritual "me". i will give myself credit for trying. i try to be a good person and have good thoughts and try to stay away from things that i know don't make me feel good (i've always had a sensitive spirit). and sometimes i think i'm too hard on myself because i find myself saying all to often "it's not enough". i can't help but think "well that's kind of true". is it enough to just be a good person? or do we need to improve ourselves daily to make it in life. do we constantly have to be changing the bad to good and working our way to be more like God? brett and i have had this discussion a time or two. we are told sunday after sunday to read our scriptures daily, pray always, fulfill our callings to the fullest, be a good parent, pay a full tithe, be patient, have charity and on and on. i mean i teach these things to my young women every sunday and i feel overwhelmed a lot of times. does anyone else ever feel overwhelmed with the list of things that we need to accomplish to be...well...happy? i know it's not about a list. but sometimes i just get down on myself, and too often i just break down and all that hopeless depression comes flooding back. good thing i have brett to pick me up and tell me that i'm a good person and that he loves me unconditionally.
so, my point in writing all this (now i realize that i don't need a therapist when i can write and feel better) is that i'm working to be a better me. i won't even get to my struggle with keeping my house organized and how it eats away at me daily. i'll save that for another post. for now let me leave you with the ten things that i am doing daily to help me to be better. it's actually a challenge that a group of women in my neighborhood are all doing and competing to get the most points by the end of 8 weeks. it came at a good time in my life. it is NOT easy for me to do all ten things a day, but i am. i've done every single thing everyday! i've been very proud of myself, especially with the food restrictions and exercise! except one day i forgot to write in my journal which i was SO mad about the next day when i realized i had totally spaced that!!
1. get at least 7 hrs of sleep
2. exercise 45 min a day
3. eat 2 servings of fruit and 2 servings of veggies
4. no sugar or white flour
5. no fast food, junk food or soda
6. no eating after 8 pm
7. read 15 min of scriptures or uplifting material
8. write in your journal
9. drink 64 oz of water
10. complete a random act of kindness
anyway, that's a wrap of our therapy session. thanks for listening.