Tuesday, September 18, 2012

a new me

i need to open up. i just need to write my feelings down.

my life is rapidly changing around me. for a long time i just haven't been happy with "me". i used to deal with depression as a young adult and into our first few years of marriage. i slowly grew out of it and learned to deal with my thoughts and feeling about myself without medication. i know a lot of the reason i was able to over come my depression was because i started to live my life the way i knew i should. my keenness to the spirit returned and as long as i followed my spiritual guide i could keep myself happy for the most part.

my confidence grew and i kind of discovered a new me. i started to really love style and harnessed a new passion for dressing in a way that made me feel pretty. i love feeling different. i think i always have. the problem with my growing up is that i never felt different. i always wanted something to separate me from all the other "utah mormon" girls. this became a problem in my teen years and got me into some trouble. i'm glad i don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone anymore, but i do still like the feeling i get when i wear something that is different. i even half like the teasing that i get from my siblings and in-laws. i feel like i've really improved the outward projection of "me" and am happy in that department.

the problem is that while that can be of importance to my physical and emotional confidence, i have now come to the realization that i need to improve the spiritual "me". i will give myself credit for trying. i try to be a good person and have good thoughts and try to stay away from things that i know don't make me feel good (i've always had a sensitive spirit). and sometimes i think i'm too hard on myself because i find myself saying all to often "it's not enough". i can't help but think "well that's kind of true". is it enough to just be a good person? or do we need to improve ourselves daily to make it in life. do we constantly have to be changing the bad to good and working our way to be more like God? brett and i have had this discussion a time or two. we are told sunday after sunday to read our scriptures daily, pray always, fulfill our callings to the fullest, be a good parent, pay a full tithe, be patient, have charity and on and on. i mean i teach these things to my young women every sunday and i feel overwhelmed a lot of times. does anyone else ever feel overwhelmed with the list of things that we need to accomplish to be...well...happy? i know it's not about a list. but sometimes i just get down on myself, and too often i just break down and all that hopeless depression comes flooding back. good thing i have brett to pick me up and tell me that i'm a good person and that he loves me unconditionally.

so, my point in writing all this (now i realize that i don't need a therapist when i can write and feel better) is that i'm working to be a better me. i won't even get to my struggle with keeping my house organized  and how it eats away at me daily. i'll save that for another post. for now let me leave you with the ten things that i am doing daily to help me to be better. it's actually a challenge that a group of women in my neighborhood are all doing and competing to get the most points by the end of 8 weeks. it came at a good time in my life. it is NOT easy for me to do all ten things a day, but i am. i've done every single thing everyday! i've been very proud of myself, especially with the food restrictions and exercise! except one day i forgot to write in my journal which i was SO mad about the next day when i realized i had totally spaced that!!

1. get at least 7 hrs of sleep
2. exercise 45 min a day
3. eat 2 servings of fruit and 2 servings of veggies
4. no sugar or white flour
5. no fast food, junk food or soda
6. no eating after 8 pm
7. read 15 min of scriptures or uplifting material
8. write in your journal
9. drink 64 oz of water
10. complete a random act of kindness

 anyway, that's a wrap of our therapy session. thanks for listening.




:: ashley :: said...

You're awesome Emily, love this post and I can totally relate. I have a whole blog in drafts all about how annoyed I get with my house not being as clean as I want it too, so frustrating to always have that on the back of my mind!

Annie Westover said...

I love blog's like this! It's totally honest and real. More people feel like that than would like to admit. Life can be overwhelming at times. Right now the background on my phone says "Try a little harder to be a little better". It's a long process and no one expects it to be overnight. Great post! Thanks for letting me read! :)

Katie said...

Just lower your expectations:) just keep being nice to people and you'll be fine! That's quite the list...good for you! They don't call it HAPPY VALLEY for nothin!

The Roches said...

Emily - this is so refreshing to read! it's good to know that in the midst of the "perfect looking" lives we see on instagram and elsewhere, there are still real people in the world. i've always thought so highly of you. love the ideas on your list.. thanks for inspiring me to be better!

The Carlsens said...

I feel like this challenge is changing me for the better too. Thanks for sharing and being so honest :)

Amy said...

Thanks for sharing and I am so glad I read this tonight! Sure did need this. You are great the way you are and I think we all feel like we need a boost and change everyonce in a while. You have inspired me. Thank you!

Clammy said...

I must agree that it can be overwhelming with all the things that we hear in all our church meetings.....I know that i need to improve on just about all of them. You are awesome to have set these goals. I think that I will join you.....it is a great place to start so I can be a 'better me' too.
Thanks for the inspiration to continue on the path to becoming the best that I can be.

ps...thanks for the therapy session =)