Tuesday, March 9, 2010

house has got me thinkin

this is me
{wife & mommy}
I don’t normally write like this but today I felt I needed an outlet so here it is. Does anyone watch HOUSE? It is one of my favorite shows on these days…and trust me I watch all the same shows as you and can say it is worth watching. Hugh Laurie has absolutely mastered his roll as Gregory House and man is he a character made for great television. For those of you who watch along with me you know last nights episode was interestingly enough all about the world of blogging. The patient on the show recorded every single bit of information of her life on her blog. Fights her and her husband got into, decisions she had to make and all of her emotions were made public by choice. As she was forced to make a life changing decision, she did not turn to her husband but turned to her blogging family, most of whom she’d never met and asked for their opinion of which she should choose. Why would someone do this? Is it possible for someone to feel more of a connection with someone they’ve never met? You can’t even look into someone’s eyes. Is this form of connection with these acquaintances heartless? Obviously this is an extreme case and I do not document all of my personal life but I do find this a place of relaxation and a way to record my life and the joys there of. As I watched I found myself thinking why I blog. Do I write for me, for a journal, to document Steel's growth and progress; could it be for self confidence or reassurance? But yet I struggling as I see everyone’s perfect lives. I don’t blog the bad and not very many others do either. All we see is the good. Do I give my friends an unrealistic view of my life? So this brings me to the question of would you rather see only good times and none of the rough? And then I ask myself does it matter what others think? I should write and say how I feel and not always try to please everyone else. Do you ever find yourself portraying someone that is not you?

I wasn’t going to share this because this is something very personal to me but I’m in the right mood. This makes me extremely nervous to publish this post but oh what the heck. This is a step for me being me. I write poems sometimes when I can’t sleep or when I’m feeling down. A month or so ago I stirred in bed thinking of all the things I’m not and all the things I wish I was. So…I started to write this. It’s not perfect but it’s what came out.


Even this as I write
Self conscious I feel
Of what may be thought
Me am I real?

For or against me
Neither matter at most
The sly devil waits
He’d love to be my host

I have to be the one to choose
Slowly I begin to see
It’s my choice not his
I have the will to be me

As I conquer my inadequacies
I begin to feel stride
Wind begins to billow beneath my soul
No more will I hide

I feel I can do it
No matter the toll
Some may sneer, some may laugh
With the punches I must roll

The freedom from the judgment
I have now looked away
It’s about time I realized
I am Emily and I’m here to stay

12 comments:

Karen and Mike said...

Great poem Emily. You are very talented! I too usually blog about the positive in my life. I probably should be more candid, but I don't want to dwell on my frustrations and negative emotions. But I agree we should write about the good times and the bad. If not on our blogs then at least in our personal journals so that our posterity doesn't think that our life was all hunky dory!

Alex said...

Emily, I love your poem. I think we all feel that way at some time or another. You worded it really well. I like where you say "I have the will to be me." That's really hard for me sometimes and scary to really have the guts to be myself instead of what i wish i were. I like that you shared this :) Since your a secret poetry lover I have to share this poem with you. Its called "If" by Rudyard Kipling. You can just google it. I read it everytime I feel frustrated. It helps me to realize what kind of person I need to be and what really matters. I hope you like it :)

Corey and Nikki Preston said...

Always Always blog for yourself, and everyone who gets to read it are just priveledged to be a part of it. I have found that sometimes it is a journal, sometimes it is a scrapbook, sometimes it is my voice about whatever is going on in the world. I actually have found a website where I was able to take my posts and print it in a book and I'm excited because this is my life, my husband's life and my child's life now in print electronically and physically.

The Redford Family said...

Love it! I love it when people express their feelings on their blog! Mine is my journal too! You are so beautiful! I didn't know you wrote poems...you do a great job! I love your poem! Miss ya cuz..I am coming in April we should have a cousin dinner with all the girls!

Travis and Teresa Wilson said...

That is amazing! I don't write about the not so great stuff either, but I appreciate when others do because I know I am not alone in how I feel.

Jules said...

Emily, I just started a blog called struggles in parenting for this reason. We share the struggle because we want our personal blogs to be the good stuff. I loved your poem you have a real gift.

Nic & Trudi said...

Emily I have also been thinking about this lately. Being home with Nixon all the time gives me a lot of time to think about things. There have been so many times when I'm looking at other people's blog's that I feel envy, and jealousy but then I have to remind myself that they also go through tough times and hard things just like I do. Always blog for yourself. My blog is my journal and that's why I keep track of everything on my blog. It's to brag or to feel sorry for, it's for me and my family to be able to remember for the rest of our lives.

Truly and Shane said...

I needed some Emily!!!! some real and unguarded Emily! This post says it all!!! I'm so glad you wrote this; it helps me understand you and APPRECIATE you! To sound so vulnerable is admirable and to be frank it makes me feel closer to you. It reminds me of a time in my life when I was gavi g a hard time feeling like i "fit in" or "belonged" in shanes family and someone wise told me I had to strip down and show my vulnerability. It's helped me tons. Now I'm not implying that you are having a hard time fitting in anywhere... It's just refreshing to read such honest words. I remember your poem you read for the talent night at Christmas. Although it was a great great poem, it wasn't until you nearly cried that I got choked up myself.
I have always portrayed my life very real when I blog. Heaven knows how hard my first year was with the twins and not all posts were upbeat and not at anytime dud I feel in control for so long. It was no secret how hard I struggled so I wrote honestly- and I feel I got respect in return fir doing so. Duringmy sisters divorce, she was extra
emotionally beat down when she read about everyone elses "perfect happy families". She couldn't take
it. From then on she started a new blog and the first post was VERY heartfelt and real. We all need to see more of that. I am on my iPhone and realize how longvthis comment is going to be but I have ONE thing that comes to mind and I know you like this quote from my blog:
"be who you are and say what you want. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". Something like that.

I'd love to read more poems of yours. It's such a talent and I want you to share it. Thanks for letting us read that one.

Karly said...

Em, thanks for your cute comment, I am so sorry I worried u! Can we please get together next week, I miss you and little Steele!

Brittany said...

Great post...I think that blogging is a great outlet and its just about being real. My blog is for me and while I get excited when people read it and comment, usually I just write about what I need or what is going through my mind. I love you babe....you're the best.

grant + brittany said...

emily, you are so talented. i love your poem. i have thought about all these same things and here is what i've come up with... i blog because i like reading about my friend's lives and there are many inspiring, crafting, cooking and design blogs that i just really enjoy reading. but i choose to read things that uplift me too. i want to feel happy when i get off the computer. as far as my own blog, i struggle with that. if people come to my blog and think i have a perfect life, that is not my problem (does that sound harsh) because they way i see it.. nobody does. and i hope i come off "real", however i am not going to blog about the things that aren't perfect because they are personal and plus it would just make me think more about sad things instead of positive. anyway am i even making sense? i have to say though that i really enjoyed hearing more of you in this post. you have such a cute family and i love the picture in the sidebar of you and brett. it really is just so cute.

Chloé said...

emily,
i just want to say thank your for sharing this with me and your comment :) it means a lot to me. you have always been so sweet to me. i actually used to write poetry back in the day when i was struggling. maybe i need to get back into that. i know i defnitely can serve more. i loved this post. you are so good with your words, and such an amazing person and example to me. it's nice to know that i am not alone in how i feel, and that others can relate. i enjoy my job, but have thought about maybe getting a night job or something. something to give me a different scene but i dont know. maybe we will see if something comes up:) anyway, hope all is well with you and your sweet little family! i love always running in to you! :)